Thursday, December 22, 2005

Entrance Examination

Stolen, top-to-bottom, from its hilarious resting spot at Catholic World News:

Don't ask, don't tell: a subtle seminary entrance test

1) What is your current occupation?

a) construction worker
b) computer programmer
c) dance instructor

2) Would you like something to drink?

a) a cold can of beer would be nice
b) Scotch, thanks, with just a splash.
c) Chardonnay, but only if it's chilled. Or do you have any herbal tea?

3) In high school, what was your main extracurricular activity?

a) football team
b) school newspaper/student government
c) drama club

4) When your friends come over for dinner, what do you like to serve?

a) Steak. You want vegetables? Don't worry; the cow ate some.
b) Burgers on the grills, probably. The wives and girlfriends will bring salads, so we'll be OK.
c) Quiche

5) If you could choose any car for your own use, what would your prefer?

a) a 4-by-4 pickup truck
b) whatever; as long as it's comfortable and gets good mileage
c) a sporty red convertible

6) If you are not admitted to the seminary, what career path are you most likely to choose:

a) the US Marines
b) investment banking
c) fashion design

7) If you had the time to get out of the city, and spend a few weeks in the countryside, what do you think you would enjoy the most?

a) hunting
b) the quiet, the fresh air, the clear skies at night
c) the antique shops

8) An old friend calls, to ask if you have a couple of hours this weekend to help him do a valve job on his old Jeep. What do you say?

a) Sure! Should I bring my spring compressor?
b) OK, I suppose. If you can tell me what to do…
c) What's a valve job?

9) Imagine that you can take a half-dozen of your old friends on a week-long vacation, with all expenses paid. Which would you choose:

a) Camp out at an untouched trout stream. Eat what you catch. Play poker at night. Remember to take a shower as soon as you get home.
b) Fly to Scotland. Play 18 holes on a different golf course every day.
c) Book a nice hotel in New York. Catch a different Broadway show every night.

10) At a friend's birthday party, you are introduced to a young woman who is, frankly, a bombshell. Beautiful curly red hair, a 50-megawatt smile, and a sensational figure. She's wearing a tight hot-pink dress with a slit up to here and a neckline plunging down to there, and she's delighted to meet you. What is your first reaction?

a) What do you think think my first reaction is? I'm human, you know.
b) I try to avoid her, without being impolite. Custody of the eyes, and all that. Stay away from trouble.
c) I love it; she's fabulous! I just wish she'd realize that pink is not her color. And those shoes definitely don't match the belt!

For extra credit:

11) What do you think of this test?

a) Worth a couple of laughs, I suppose.
b) Not sure. What are you getting at?
c) I am outraged! How dare you!

How to score your own test: If you have to ask, you flunk.


Rick Lugari said...

Too funny!

Bernard Brandt said...

No wonder I was not accepted when I applied to several seminaries in the mid-80s: I scored mainly (a)s and (b)s (and would have then, as well).

Just as well, because the church that I have been a member of for the last 18 years (Melkite/Russian Catholic) accepts late vocations for deacons, and is resuming the process of a married priesthood in the United States.