More Appropriate Lyrics

Some of the far more creative types have suggested lyrics for certain Haugen-Hass offerings. The lyrics are actually more in keeping with the music itself, and are suggestive of the music's better placement: OUTSIDE ANY CHURCH WORTHY OF THE NAME.

Have fun:

Gather Us In (to the IHOP)

Gather us in, the eggs and the pancakes.
Gather us in, the bacon and ham.
Make us to be a well balanced breakfast
Nourished with orange juice that came from a can

or, if you prefer:

Gather Us In (to the cookout)

Gather us in, the beef and the chicken.
Gather us in, the pork and the lamb.
Make us to be a barbecued banquet,
Washed down with beer from a keg or a can

Here's one that's a bit more "Socially Critical:"

Gather Us In

Here in this place, our comfortable parish,
All of the statues carried away,
See in each face a vacuous visage,
Brought here by guilt or by R.C.I.A.

Gather us in, by Bimmer or Hummer,
Gather us in, so we can feel good,
Come to us now in this barren Zen temple,
With only a shrub and an altar of wood.

We are the young, our morals a mystery,
We are the old, who couldn't care less,
We have been warned throughout all of history,
But we enjoy this liturgical mess.

Gather us in, our radical pastor,
Gather us in, our unveiled nun,
Call to us now, with guitars and bongos,
Hang up your cellphones and join in the fun!

Here we will take some wine and some water,
Whether it changes, we really don't care.
But when the Sign of Peace comes, our pastor,
Jumps from the altar and hugs like a bear.

Gather us in, the privileged and snobby,
Gather us in, the liberal elite,
Help us to form our personal Credo,
Give us a choice between white bread and wheat.

The sad part: in 20 years, old LitWonk litur-gettes will be drooling all over themselves, trying to remember the "good old days" when this crap was considered "music."