Advice Column for Muslims

Sure enough, IowaHawk found some old advice columns from Imam Yahu al-Zirius Spiritual Leader, Fostaz al-Vegimita Mosque Lakembabongabinga, Sydney, NSW (not to be confused with Lake Woebegone of Minnesota)

Imram M. of Jumbuck Springs, Victoria asks:

I am a taxi driver at the Melbourne Airport. The Taxi Directorate tells me I must give rides to blind kuffars and their filthy guide dogs, even when I tell him they are haram in the eyes of Allah! Even worse, I think the kuffars and their dogs have been drinking alcohol. Help me, I am at my wit’s end.

Sadly the dog-alcohol cootie issue has been a sore point for the many believers who work at the airport. We have long asked the Airport authority to exempt Muslim baggage handlers from touching luggage containing alcohol, and protect Muslim passengers from having contact with unclean bomb-sniffing dogs. Until we can correct this blatant discrimination, politely tell any fares who are potentially carrying alcohol or dogs that you will rape them.

Ameer Ali of Kangalangaroombawoomba, ACT writes:

As a member of Prime Minister Howard’s Muslim advisory board, I have occasion to travel. When I go abroad, they ask me where do I come from? I say I come from a Muslim country. “Which country,” they say. “Australia.” “That’s not a Muslim country.” “Yes it’s Muslim country.” “Is not!” “Is so.” “Nuh uh.” “YUH huh.” and so on. Then they say, okay then why aren’t you stoning all the drunks and homosexuals? Yow, I have to admit that’s a stumper. I tell them that we want a country that is like a fruit salad, not a mega-fruit juice, with alcohol and such. That way we can enventually start eliminating all the unsavory fruits from the salad until Australia is totally halal and delicious.

When I come back to Australia, I’ll suggest the stoning thing to the Prime Minister, and he just gives me a weird look and tells me to respect Australian values, and goes back to drinking his beer. Now I am all confused.

Of course Australia is a Muslim country! Explain to the doubters you meet that Australian aborigines were practicing Islam for 100,000 years before the infidel James Cook corrupted the holy land by introducing in Fosters and Footy and bikinis and AC/DC. Explain that it will take years of work to drive the infidel yobbos from our traditional holy cities like Perth and Surfside. Explain that, God willing, and if our dole checques don’t get cut, we will restore the ancient Pacific caliphate from Freemantle to Las Vegas. If the doubters persist in their wanton doubtery, apply corrective raping.

It's all so easy. Ione Quimby Griggs never got it, but she didn't understand the Koran, either.