Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Year in Review: Dave Barry

What could be more fitting to read with a hangover?

• O.J. Simpson discovered that, although you might be able to avoid jail time for committing a double homicide, the justice system draws the line at attempted theft of sports memorabilia

...In the House of Representatives, incoming Speaker Nancy Pelosi pledges ''a new era of bipartisan cooperation," then brings the gavel down on the head of outgoing Speaker Dennis Hastert

...President Bush, [calls] for a ''troop surge,'' based on his understanding of the comprehensive Iraq Study Group Report, as interpreted for him by aides equipped with 20,000 G.I. Joe action figures.

...the death and subsequent wacky adventures of Anna Nicole Smith, whose body remains in a refrigerator in the Broward County medical examiner's office while her infant child is embroiled in a paternity dispute that eventually comes to involve pretty much every adult male resident of the United States except Richard Simmons.

...Meanwhile the Senate, after months of secret negotiations, releases its comprehensive immigration reform plan, under which immigrants would earn points toward becoming U.S. citizens by having basic citizenship skills such as being able to do the Electric Slide and place an order at Starbucks. To placate conservatives, the plan also calls for a 300-mile fence to be constructed around Rosie O'Donnell.

...the U.S. Senate discovers that its comprehensive immigration reform bill, despite having been painstakingly crafted behind closed doors by veteran bill-crafters, is unpopular with a segment of the U.S. population defined as ''the public.'' The Senate responds swiftly, dropping the immigration issue like a bag of rat sputum and returning to its traditional role of funding large unnecessary projects in West Virginia named after Robert Byrd.

...the biggest story in June, as well as the history of the universe, is the release of the Apple iPhone, which, in addition to enabling you to make phone calls, has all kinds of brilliant and innovative features, including AutoFondle, an application that enables the iPhone to fondle itself during those times when you are unable to fondle it manually because you're sleeping or undergoing surgery from wounds you sustained when friends or co-workers finally lost it and beat you senseless to make you shut up about your freaking iPhone already.

...Sen. Craig explains that, even though he pleaded guilty, he is innocent, but he promises that he will resign, a pledge he later clarifies by explaining that he will not resign. The Senate, responding with unusual speed and firmness, funds a large unnecessary project in Alaska named after Ted Stevens.

...the race for the Democratic nomination heats up during a nationally televised debate when John Edwards and Barack Obama, in what political observers view as a thinly veiled attack on Hillary Clinton, repeatedly raise the issue of ankle size. On the Republican side, Sam Brownback announces that he is dropping out of the race; political observers view this as an indication that he thought he was in the race.

... the presidential contenders start to show signs of emotional wear during their debates, as exemplified by Mitt Romney's decision, following a heated exchange on trade policy, to whip out a Sharpie and write a bad word on Rudy Giuliani's forehead. The mood is equally testy on the Democratic side, where Bill Richardson, in the role of peacekeeper, has to physically restrain Hillary Clinton from repeatedly striking Barack Obama with Dennis Kucinich

Meanwhile, NASA suffers yet another black eye when the space shuttle Vagabond is launched into orbit carrying a crew of nine, four of whom are discovered, once they get into orbit, to be Hooters waitresses.

Did I ever mention that the Journal-Sentinel could increase its purchased-the-paper readership substantially if they substituted Dave Barry for its editorials?

HT: Regular Guy

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