Saturday, November 04, 2006

Jay Weber Dipwad Driver Update

Jay Weber of WISN Radio theorizes that Dipwad Drivers generally have "Hug-a-Tree" or "Kerry for President" stickers on their bumpers. In other words, he finds that Lefties are incapable of driving well.

I modestly suggest that Jay has not thoroughly researched Dipwad Drivers.

There are two other categories of Dipwad Drivers--and they are equally dangerous.

The first (and most prominent) additional category: Women Drivers Near Shopping Centers.

It is clear from scientific observation that Shopping Centers emit secret radio-wave transmissions which completely take over a woman's motor- and hand-eye-coordination functions when they are driving within 6 blocks of a Shopping Center. There is no other explanation for their driving behaviors when proximate to Bayshore, Whole Earth Foods, Mayfair, or Bluemound Road.

If you doubt me, then station yourself near Mayfair some day (at a safe distance) and observe the goings-on on both Hy. 100 and on North Ave. Or, if you like really dangerous living, station yourself anyplace on Bluemound Road west of 150th Street (that's 6 blocks east of Brookfield Square), out to about 215th (6 blocks west of Menard's.)

Report back if you survive. It may be useful to purchase a box of Depends before taking on these observation duties.

The second additional Dipwad Driver category is Old Ladies Who Cannot See the Road Anymore.

You've seen them--when you're behind them, you cannot tell if their car is being driven by remote-control, largely because they are so short-waisted that they cannot be seen in their cars. They are generally driving between 10-20 mph under the limit and tend to "lurch" into an adjacent lane for no apparent reason, without signaling their intent. They also slow down (!!!) on occasion, again for no apparent reason.

God help you if you encounter a superannuated Lefty female near a Shopping Center.

6 comments:

Billiam said...

Dad, you forgot Businessmen who are late for an appointment, tapping on the computer, while on the cell phone and trying to beat the yellow light! Good examples, though..

Phelony Jones said...

The "Man Who Taught Me To Drive", e.g. my father... is a truck driver who's seen it all. And was destined for his children to not repeat many of the errors he saw out on the road.

With that, I am completely confident in my driving and that I am a better driver than 95% of the population.

But how about the Sexist Old Man driver?

As in - when I'm exercising my right-of-way according to the law, only to have the Sexist Old Man get right in the way, give a dirty glare, and cut me off from trying to pull out of a parking spot, or from trying to drive in a forward direction in a parking lot.

No lie. I have had old men walk right out into traffic and hold up their hand for ME to stop so they can cross. And most of the time, these fellas are only in their early 70's.

Dad29 said...

Phelony, meet Billiam, the truck driver.

Now that the niceties are out of the way, Phelony, understand that men are not "sexist." They are correct and are owed obeisance by the...others...like, e.g., women.

So those guys were simply exercising their God-given privileges.

See??

Phelony Jones said...

What's happening Billiam, long time no see!

Yep. I'm sure all these gentlemens were in a hurry to get home and nuke a TV dinner.

Nothing like a little give and take, oui?

Peter said...

I saw the Dipwad Old Lady today. Must have been fleeing from the nursing home. Did all of 20 mph in a 45 zone in the middle lane (3 lanes) and sat and waited to turn right with literally no traffic coming from her left ... and then took a week and a half to actually make the turn.

Disgruntled Car Salesman said...

You forgot people who drive Hondas, people wearing hats and people with Illinois tags.

Sidebar - I cruise that Bluemound strip daily. Maybe you should take out a life insurance policy on me. They do pay triple while on a "business trip."