Saturday, May 05, 2007

"Folk" or "Hippie Rockers" Infesting Your Church?

A few questions for that bunch of noisemakers from The Recusant Cricket Club, with answers provided by yours truly. UPDATE: Additional answers provided by B. M. Paige, an East-Coast R.C. church musician who is worthy of the monicker.

1. Why, when many churches have perfectly adequate choir lofts, do you have to stand in full view in front of/in the sanctuary?

Answer (take your choice) A: Because the Liturgeist said so. B: Because we cannot imagine leading from the rear, contrary to the experience of actual musicians over hundreds of years. C) These are really concerts with a Mass in the background. BMP response: Because we're so cute that we need to be looked at and adored.

2. Why should a ‘folk’ group have a sound system roughly the size of a Rolling Stones tour ca. 1976?

Answer: We have no understanding of acoustics, and even less of taste. BMP: Because Mass should be as big as Woodstock.

3. The GIRM provides for periods of silence in Mass. Have you read this?

Answer: What's a GIRM? And besides, don't you know why Muzak was invented? (Hint: It was NOT to enhance intellectual nor spiritual faculties.) BMP: Because "Music in Catholic Worship" [an NCCB spew authored by Rembertine Liturgeist-istas] gives us everything we need. Besides, weren't rules meant to be broken?

4. Why are folk groups nearly always ‘led’ by a woman - not very inclusive is it? (and if you are so keen on actuosa particpatio why is everything pitched for castrati?)

Answer: We don't care that you can't sing this stuff. We can't, either, or haven't you noticed? See also #1 above. BMP: I've seen my share of guys running folk groups (not that it's any better). As for pitch? Hey, it's our gig, man!

5. Why do folk groups dress for a midweek trip to the pub rather than an encounter with the Lord God Almighty?

Answer: You mean Fuzzy Wuzzy Jesus? We suppose you actually go to Confession, too! BMP: Because Sunday Mass is supposed to be a big tailgate party with Jesus, Our Buddy

6. Why does every intro start “Dum-dum-dum-dum-chinga-dum-chinga-dum-chinga….”?

Answer: Ignorant slut. Some of our stuff starts "Chinga Chinga dum dum dum Chinga." BMP: Over here it's "jing jing-a-jing jing, jing jing-jing a-jing".

7. Is there no folk setting for Faith of our Fathers or Sweet Sacrament Divine? (It’s always Eagle’s Wings and the like)

Answer: No. BMP: Nope. Too sacred.

8. Given that proper folk artists like Kate Rusby produce music which is by turns melodic, plaintive or joyous, how come most folk groups sound like The Wurzels?

Answer: This is WORSHIP-folk, not real-folk. Stupid question. BMP: Yeah, Worship-folk's SUPPOSED to sound bad.

9. Do you really have to start loud conversations immediately after Mass in/in front of the Sanctuary as you dismantle your equipment and as other people are making their thanksgiving after Mass?

Answer: That's not "conversation." That's our planning and rehearsal for next week. And what are you giving thanks for, anyway? BMP: Wrong, Dad! It's us telling each other how great we sounded, and how I baffled Jimmy with those bar chords.

10. How do I get rid of you?

Find another pastor--preferably one who actually knows that Church history began before 1965. (You might also have to find a new Bishop.) In the meantime, shut up and take it. BMP: Until a real pastor comes to our church, you're kinda screwed!

NB: The best answer to this question was given by "Al" in the combox....

Other responses can be found at the cross-post from Christus Vincit.

HT: RectaRatio


Al said...

Here are my answers to some of the questions based on some of the experiences in my parish:

1. C except my parish is in a church built c 1968 so no choir loft(I found this out because despite the mikes they refuse to open up the top of the grand piano fully as it should be so the singers aren't hidden.)
So I'm adding;

D: So the people can see us as we take a bow at the end of Mass when the people applaud. (Sort of related to C.)

3. Read it yes, gives a damn about what it says, only when absolutely forced to. Silence, that is for the moment (actually usually a few seconds) before Mass when we get everyone to hush up & look at us IN ANTICIPATION OF THE START OF OUR PERFORMANCE.

7. My response to their answer: GRAZIE al DIO!!!!! (Please, don't give them any ideas!)

9. If we tell the people from the congregation (audience) not to talk to us how will we know how good our performance was?

(My editorial comment, the few people that are making thanksgiving are probably Thanking God that the Circus is over for another week.)

10. Try an exorcism. But that will probably only work if you get the Pope to come & do it. (Again it will probably take only if he replaces the Archbishop with another Bruskewitz or Finn.

Brian Michael Page said...

Here are my answers.

Brian Michael Page said...

LMAO! I love your description of MCW in #3!

Al said...

In 1 of life's little ironies, I didn't realize how relevant this post would be. Either that or how prophetic Dad29 was in his timing.

I walked into Church Sun morning in time to see our liturgical director & the music group setting up the drum set for their performance.

The even sadder part is that people afterwords were saying that we had a great liturgy because of the music. I had to bite my tongue to keep from screaming. (It goes without saying that what they thought was a great liturgy was actually a great show & that they were worshiping at the altar of the music ministry not worshipping God. OOPS!, I forgot, that isn't teh purpose of modern liturgy is it? To worship God?)

We have a stained glass window with an eye (symbolizing God the Father) crying. I swear that I could sense God saying that 1 day that window would cry real tears to show how the actions allowing blasphemies & heresies are hurting God.

Dad29 said...

One can only hope that God is less abusive of these folks when they meet Him personally than they are of the Liturgy...

Al said...

Fortunately for them, & us, God is a lot more merciful towards them then they are towards God. Someday, if they keep turning their back on showing respect to God, etc, they may find out God's justice will allow them to reap what they have sown.