Automated Switchboad Hell

You think YOU have it bad?

Thank you for calling the 25th Infantry Division's automated artillery support request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible.

For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.

For naval gun fire, please call 1-888-SEASICK.

If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1.

If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2.

If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3.

If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4.

If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5.

Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu.

If you are using a TA-312, remain on the line and one of our customer support counselors will be with you shortly.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like.

If you would like 81 mm or 4.2 inch mortars, please press 1.

If you would like 155 mm howitzers, please press 2.

If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates to complete our brief Advanced Firepower Usage Survey.

If you would like to request chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.

Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign.

If you need to enter map grid designations, please use the star for a "q" and the pound sign for an "i."Please remember to verify your coordinates and that your request may take several minutes to process.

[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]

You have entered co-ordinates 32364519.

If this is correct, please press 1.

If this is incorrect, please press 2 and re-enter the coordinates.

Thank you.

Please enter your battalion, company and platoon passcodes, each followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your passcodes, we will begin processing your request.

If you have forgotten your passcode, please contact 1-800-IFORGOT for a temporary passcode.

Please enter your passcode now.

[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-#, beep-beep-beep-beep-#, beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-#]

Thank you.

[Pause]

Your passcodes have been verified and your request will be processed.

We strongly suggest that you and your troops take cover as soon as possible.

Please note:If this is a REAL emergency, hang up and dial 1-800-32MPCompany(WARNG).

Thank you for using the 25th Infantry Division's artillery request support line and have a nice day!

HT: The Lair of the Catholic Caveman