Post-Election Rioting

Not entirely incredible, this future-news report....

Shortly after Fox News, ABC, and CBS all declare John McCain the President-elect, the sound of martini glasses and champagne bottles being dropped all over the East coast signals the beginnings of a long and dangerous night. The riots come from unsuspected areas, not from urban areas at all but urbane settings like Manhattan, Lose Angeles, and Ann Arbor Michigan [and Madistan, WI].

Dozens of rioters in loafers and tweed coats stumble off their college campuses in Ann Arbor, Michigan and begin heaving granola bars at passing SUV's. This "mob" will angrily attempt to turn over a parked SUV but their little flabby arms will hardly hardly budge the behemoth automobile so they turn over a Segway locked to a tree nearby until one of the rioters says, "Hey that's mine" and threatens a lawsuit causing the rioters to scatter.

...The celebrities soon decide to pull drivers out of any passing pick-up-truck to beat them but their hybrids are sadly unable catch up to any trucks before their car runs out of its electric charge and they're forced to pull over and call Ed Begley Jr. for a charge.

National Guard troops are called out to protect Starbucks which have been especially hard hit by thirsty looters

Dozens of UW-Mad profs, enraged, begin throwing Whole Foods-purchased Fair Trade arugula stalks at police. One cop drops his riot-shield and glowers. The entire group of professors raise their skirts and screech, then flounce in the other direction....